Monday, May 18, 2009

Surviving Infidelity: Why Do Affairs Start?

When you're in a marriage struggling to survive infidelity, it might seem odd to think about why affairs start in the first place. But this is an important part of surviving infidelity. Knowing how affairs start gives you the understanding to know how to put your marriage back together - especially if your cheating spouse isn't on board with the idea yet.

Most of think that affairs begin when some dashing young man or slinky, beautiful woman enters our spouse's life. We conjure up images of seduction, intrigue, and mystery; we think the other person could have any partner he or she wants, but has targeted your spouse.

In reality, it's rarely - if ever - how it works. The "other person" is far more likely to be an old friend, a co-worker, or a friend-of a friend than a dashing Cassanova.

And most of the time, things don't start out with the intention of igniting an affair. Quite the contrary, an affair usually starts innocently - a water cooler conversation, a lunch break, a walk down to the corner Starbucks for coffee. No big deal - friends, even those of the opposite sex, do all of those things every day without ending up in an affair.

So why do these friendships sometimes evolve into affairs?

This is not going to be pleasant to hear... but most affairs start because one spouse feels that he or she is not having a need met by the other spouse. This doesn't necessarily mean a sexual need (although this can certainly be the case) - more often, it's a more emotional need. Your spouse may feel like her opinions are not being valued, or that he is not being listened to. Another person fills that need, however innocently, and that sows the seed for misplaced affection.

You may be saying to yourself, "I listen to my husband", or "I value my wife's opinion". I don't doubt that in your eyes, this is true. There is an old saying that in marriage, there are three sides to every story - his side, her side, and the truth. Your spouse may not be entirely accurate in what he or she feels... but the important thing here is that it is what he or she feels. The truth doesn't really matter that much. Not right now, anyway.

So the feeling (perception) becomes reality for your spouse... and he or she harbors resentment that eventually leads to being open to an affair.

Now, you might think I'm saying that the affair is all your fault. That's not the case at all. See, because you likely think you are meeting your spouse's needs, there is another facet to the problem. Your spouse, although his or her need was not being met, failed to adequately communicate this need. Your spouse probably didn't want to hurt your feelings, or wanted to believe it was no big deal, or didn't want to "rock the boat"... but the end result was that you didn't have the full opportunity to learn to meet that need.

Both you and your spouse had a hand in the circumstances that led to the affair - I've never seen a relationship where both partners weren't partially to blame. And at the core of the problem is the failure of both partners to be blatantly honest with one another.

What would have happened if your spouse had been honest with you about the aspect of your marriage that wasn't fulfilling? Would you have ignored it? Probably not. On the flip side, do you always make an honest effort to find and correct issues that can lead to marriage problems (including infidelity)? Doubtful. Few of us are that relationship-savvy.

So why is all of this important to successfully coping with infidelity? In short, it's because if you want to have any hope of surviving infidelity, you are going to have to change the "honesty" dynamic in your marriage. You are going to have to demonstrate that change is possible, particularly if your spouse has given up on your relationship.

Showing that change is possible, and that you are willing to learn to meet your spouse's needs, makes the strength and importance of the affair simply fade away. If you can fulfill your spouse's needs, why would he or she need the "other person" any longer?

The "honesty" dynamic will also need to change because you're going to build a relationship that is stronger and more fulfilling than ever before. It's not enough to just put things back the way they were... to get back your unfaithful wife or cheating husband, you're going to need to show that the two of you can reach a new level of happiness. And transparency and honesty are the keys to that happiness.

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Verbal Emotional Abuse: 3 Keys to Surviving Verbal and Emotional Abuse

You are not his/her words, though it doesn't feel that way when you are being abused. On a very deep level, you believe those words of disregard, disapproval, disrespect…even the ones that are absolutely foul.

Yet, in a more surface way, you claim not to buy that trash. You know those are just his/her words. And you've heard that the verbal abuse showered upon you is not about you.

So how can you bring all of you aboard to no longer feel the blow of verbal emotional abuse after your abusive relationship?

Here are three keys to finding YOU underneath, behind and most definitely before the verbal emotional abuse.

1) Start with where you are now and find one thing about yourself that used to be a personal source of pride and nourishment. Then, bring this activity back into your daily routine.

2) When you hear the voice of personal disgust or find yourself kicking you as though you are picking up where he/she left off, catch yourself in the moment. Stop and ask, "Is that true?" Chances are there is another relevant, yet opposite thought that is as true if not more true for you.

3) Come to know the space between your thoughts where all is well. And let yourself bask in the utter fun of lingering in that satisfying, full sensation. This will be your easiest and also your most challenging mission.

Now I know that last key sounds like I threw you a contradiction, or shall I say an oxymoron. Possibly so. Your discovery will emerge out from easy, effortless bare attention, and your tendency to cling to noisy chatter may be relentless.

Over time and with practice, you will see how number two and number three work hand in hand, wherein you will find the YOU that resides within despite the verbal emotional abuse.



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Communication Skills Training - Effective Communication

Find the next available Open Communication Skills Course

Good Communication Skills are essential

Being an effective communicator takes real skill. Communication skills have to be developed, honed and added to on an on-going basis. They are the heart of interpersonal skills and the greater your awareness of how it all works, the more effective your communication will be.

To be effective in business, you have to communicate well. To be a good manager, you have to communicate exceptionally well.

Here we look at basic communication dynamics, learning skills to improve your communication, using effective communication to improve and promote interpersonal relationships, creating an effective communication strategy.

We could write a book about the importance of communication key skills, but for now you can content yourself with some essentials for becoming a more effective communicator.

Communication Core Skills - The Essentials

Communication is Individual

We're Not All The Same

When you look at communication, presentation skills are not all there is to it. Far from it. Everyone communicates differently and sees the world differently. The greatest skill you can have in order to instantly and significantly improve you communications skills is to understand the other person's point view and how they see the world. Then you can adjust your own communication to take that into account.

Change Yourself to Change Others

Alongside this has to be the knowledge that the only person you can be sure of changing in any communication is you. Therefore, the most effective way to be in charge of what happens in any communication dynamic is changing what you do. When you can do this you are well on the way to promoting better relationships.

You are the Only One of You

There's never one right way to communicate. Authentic effective communication always happens when we reply on those things we know to be true about or for ourselves. Remember your personal style probably says more for you that all the words you use can.

What's Already Working?

Most people tend to look at what's wrong with themselves and other people rather than focusing on what already works. Remember, something (more than one thing, of course) has to be working well for you to have got this far already!

Article Source:
http://www.impactfactory.com/gate/effective_communication_skills_training_development/freegate_1657-2103-14314.html?gclid=COX83q75xZoCFRA3bAod0T3GrQ
read more...

Communication Skills Training - Effective Communication

Find the next available Open Communication Skills Course

Good Communication Skills are essential

Being an effective communicator takes real skill. Communication skills have to be developed, honed and added to on an on-going basis. They are the heart of interpersonal skills and the greater your awareness of how it all works, the more effective your communication will be.

To be effective in business, you have to communicate well. To be a good manager, you have to communicate exceptionally well.

Here we look at basic communication dynamics, learning skills to improve your communication, using effective communication to improve and promote interpersonal relationships, creating an effective communication strategy.

We could write a book about the importance of communication key skills, but for now you can content yourself with some essentials for becoming a more effective communicator.

Communication Core Skills - The Essentials

Communication is Individual

We're Not All The Same

When you look at communication, presentation skills are not all there is to it. Far from it. Everyone communicates differently and sees the world differently. The greatest skill you can have in order to instantly and significantly improve you communications skills is to understand the other person's point view and how they see the world. Then you can adjust your own communication to take that into account.

Change Yourself to Change Others

Alongside this has to be the knowledge that the only person you can be sure of changing in any communication is you. Therefore, the most effective way to be in charge of what happens in any communication dynamic is changing what you do. When you can do this you are well on the way to promoting better relationships.

You are the Only One of You

There's never one right way to communicate. Authentic effective communication always happens when we reply on those things we know to be true about or for ourselves. Remember your personal style probably says more for you that all the words you use can.

What's Already Working?

Most people tend to look at what's wrong with themselves and other people rather than focusing on what already works. Remember, something (more than one thing, of course) has to be working well for you to have got this far already!

Article Source:
http://www.impactfactory.com/gate/effective_communication_skills_training_development/freegate_1657-2103-14314.html?gclid=COX83q75xZoCFRA3bAod0T3GrQ
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Common Relationship Problems And How To Handle Them

No matter how happy a couple is and how compatible they are with each other, they will still fight. I know; the fact that every couple has relationship problems is little comfort when your relationship is going through a rough patch.

But what does make you feel better is that if others can solve their love problems, so can you. In this article, I talk about two of the common relationship problems that are faced by people and what you can do to handle them.

Solving Relationship Problems

Lack of communication: Almost all your problems can be solved if you simply knew how to communicate effectively with your partner. Simply talking is not what communication is all about. By effective communication I mean, your partner should understand exactly what it is you're trying to say.

For example, a man tells his woman - "Honey, the chicken you cooked today was absolutely wonderful". Now the man was paying a compliment to his woman, but if she's not hearing him right her response could be something like, "What do you mean by TODAY? That means I'm a lousy cook most other days?" And that's how fights begin. Thus, make sure your partner is getting the message that you want to send out and not something else.

A good way to ensure that is to ask your partner if they understood what you were saying. If their answer is what you were trying to communicate, great! If not, you can tell them exactly what you meant so that misunderstandings and thus fights can be avoided.

Jealousy: The occasional jealousy in a relationship is very normal and can in fact be healthy. However, if your partner gets all green faced with jealousy (the same goes for you too) every time you talk to someone from the opposite sex, then that is not normal and can cause problems in your relationship.

Ugly jealousy can be handled by first admitting to yourself that you are unreasonably jealous and then trying to understand the cause for it. Is it because you've had previous bad experiences? Are you insecure because your parents may not have had a good marriage?

Once you know where your insecurities stem from, you can then take the necessary steps to build your confidence and faith in your partner and avoid unnecessary relationship problems.

Just break up?

Is your relationship so on the rocks that you're not sure how you can save it from dying completely?

I want to share with you a very effective strategy that can make your ex fall back in love with you again.. not only that but you will appear 10x more attractive to your ex than you ever were.

Article Source:
http://www.articlecity.com/articles/relationships/article_2210.shtml; Melissa Haworth
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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Communication Theory

History
Socrates : Dialog
Aristotele : Rhetoric
Humanistic & Rhetoric Prior to 20th Century
Sociology, Psychology, Linguistics, Advertising: scientific methodological and insight.

Kerangka Teori Komunikasi

Mechanistic: Transaction of information from Sender to Receiver
Psychological: Sending message and feeling with an interpretation of meaning
Social Construction: The product of Interactant sharing and Creating meaning.
Systemic: Messages created via “through-put”, or what happens as the message is being interpreted and re-interpreted as it travels through people.

Theories (Sources, Processes, and Implementation)
Ontology: The question of what, exactly, it is the theorist is examining.
Epistemology: An examination of how the theorist studies the chosen phenomena.
Axiology: What values drive a theorist to develop a theory.

Mapping the theoretical landscape
Context: (Linguistics, Sociology, Anthropology, Rhetoric, journalism, mass communication, communication technology, Humanistics)
Assumption: rhetoric, semiotic, phenomenological, cybernetics, socio psychological, socio cultural

Scientific Criteria for Good communication Theory

A. Explanatory power - do the propositions of the theory enable us to explain as much of the communication phenomenon as possible?

  1. 1. Predictive power - do the propositions of the theory enable us to forecast accurate future events and outcomes?
  2. 2. Parsimony - does the theory contain as few propositions as possible to explain the communication phenomenon; is it as simple as it can be?
  3. 3. Testability - can the propositions of the theory be tested, and therefore falsified or proven wrong?
  4. 4. Internal consistency - the propositions that comprise the theory should not contradict each other.
  5. 5. Heuristic potential - the propositions that comprise the theory should suggest further

Aestetic Criteria For A Good Communication Theory
  • New understanding - does the theory provide us with new and fresh insights into the nature of the human condition?
  • Societal value - does the theory help us to improve the human condition in some substantive way? does it stimulate or generate change?
  • Aesthetic appeal - does the theory capture our interest and imagination? does it picque our curiosity about the phenomenon being explained?
  • Community agreement - is the theory accepted and supported by like-minded scholars?
Overview of Communication Theory
Two Perspectives on Communication Theory












Dosen: Drs. Muh. Nadjib, M.Ed., M.Lib.
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